What Not To Wear
by sweetdreams-sunnymornings
Summary: Stephanie gets a makeover whether Ranger likes it or not. LOL. Fluffy oneshot. babe HEA. No Joe here. complete.


Something fluffy for this coldest night of the year, to warm our sappy little hearts.

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standard fanfic dislaimers for JE and TLC's What Not to Wear, still my favorite Tv show, though Dance Moms sometimes has a sorta sicko allure. [maybe Zoe should try out for dance at Abby's studio? Or Izzy? And chaos ensues? LOL. But right now, back to fashion]

**Early in Mercenary Ranger's and Stephanie's friendship/ relationship...maybe book 13? 15? the flamethrower one?

enjoy.

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**_What Not to Wear?_**

**_._**

**A cloudy winter Tuesday** in Trenton, late morning. Ranger told Tank to stop by Vinnie's before their meeting with the governor in Princeton.

Ranger strode into the bonds office, Tank close behind. Two steps in, Ranger stopped so suddenly that Tank almost ran into his back and both men reached for their guns as cameras and lights flashed in their faces. Two very thin, very made-up people, one male, one female, popped up in front of Ranger and said,

"Hi! I'm Clinton!"

"And I'm Stacy!"

"And we're from What Not to Wear!"

Tank stared over Ranger's shoulder, aghast. Tank was in bodyguard mode today but he had no clue what he should do. After a frozen moment, Tank went around Ranger and blocked the cameraman, saying, "No pictures, turn that shit off."

He wasn't sure what Ranger would want him to do but Ranger NEVER allowed photos or film of himself. It was hard enough to look like Ranger and be an undercover operative. The last thing Ranger needed was to be caught on film.

On national TV.

_Again._

The cameraman backed away and lowered the shoulder held camcorder. Tank looked closely to be sure the audio recording light was red too.

He turned and looked at Ranger for direction. Only seconds had passed, but now Ranger was standing hands on hips and he was smiling wide. The million dollar smile, all zillion watts as Stephanie called it. The two geeks from…what? MTV? TLC?...thank god not CNN….were staring in amazement, lost in the glory of a full-out Ranger smile, smiling back like idiots. Behind them Tank noticed Connie and Lula, frozen bug-eyed and openmouthed. Yeah, at least they knew enough to be scared.

Ranger said, "What? You're gonna give me a makeover? Tell me not to wear black all the time? My ego is in shreds…."

He was starting to laugh.

The guy, Clinton, said,"Oh wow, no, man. No no no no no! You look _fab_ulous! That suit is just stunning, is it Armani private label? Custom order?"

The woman said,"And black is just soooooo your color."

Because of the meeting they had scheduled Ranger was in corporate attire. Black bespoke Armani suit—_probably cost at least 5 grand_, thought Tank. Black shirt, black on black silk tie, expensive black Italian shoes. Short hair. Platinum Rolex. No earrings. Tank was in black Rangeman SWAT fatigues. He was going to the meeting as Ranger's bodyguard. They were both playing roles, dressed purposely to define their status and influence the politicians today.

But then bottom line, all these years watching Carlos's back-he, Tank, _was_ the bodyguard, right?

Anyway, Tank saw nothing wrong with how he himself was dressed and Ranger looked good in a suit, scary but elegant. Successful. Rich. Lethal.

Ranger let a silence drag out then said, "Yes, custom. Armani does a nice cut to hide my guns."

And he shrugged in such a way that his Glock 19s in their shoulder holsters peeked out.

The TV people all backed away making shooing motions, ending up against Connie's desk. Scared witless.

Ranger said, "Do you know who I am?"

All the TV people shook their heads, no.

The woman, Stacy, said, "But if you are not somebody, you ought to be."

She spoke to the guy, "Look at him, he is so freakin' hot!"

The guy was nodding. He said, "Gorgeous, stunning. Body to just die for! Supermodel hair, too, you should let it grow long."

Ranger said, "What."

"Oh no offense. Are you in films?"

Tank said, "Oh fer chrissakes."

Ranger stood there glaring. He said,

"Not if I can help it."

Stacy and Clinton said, "What? Why?" A makeup person scurried in and patted away a few smidges of perspiration. Or drool.

Finally Ranger said, "Soooo. If you're not gonna fix me up, make me over, what's going on?"

Tank was totally amazed that Ranger knew what the show was about. He, Tank, only knew because Lula watched it, never missed it, every Friday night before they went out.

The silence was dragging on.

Tank said, "Lula?"

"Uh. Well it's like this. We—me 'n Connie nominated my girl Steph for a What Not to Wear makeover…."

Ranger said, "Why?"

"Because we thought she'd like it. She only has like bounty hunting clothes, jeans and stuff, for rolling in garbage. Or the slutty stuff she wears to do distractions for you guys. She doesn't have any regular nice clothes. Not since that time when all her stuff got burned up."

Ranger did the scary stare.

Connie added, "The only time she looks really hot is when she's dressed in her Rangeman Barbie outfits!"

Ranger said, "Rangeman Barbie?"

Tank inwardly cringed. With his military background and severe personality, Ranger took uniforms very seriously. Probably he would not find it amusing that the girls called Steph _Rangeman Barbie_ when she dressed in her black Rangeman outfits.

"Yeah, you know, your uniforms. She looks great in them."

"Good to know."

"But come on! They are uniforms, Ranger! We want her to get the five thousand dollars worth of new clothes and the hair makeover."

"New make-up!"

"New shoes!"

Ranger said,

"I don't think so. "

Connie, Lula and the TV people said, "Why not?!"

Tank watched Ranger's face. It looked neutral and blank but Tank could tell that Ranger was thinking, '_Cos she's perfect the way she is! _and: _Five grand, big fucking deal. This stupid suit I'm wearing cost more than that._

Finally Ranger said, "Because it would hurt her feelings. She wants to be accepted just the way she is, garbage stains & dog shit smell included. All her life people have been telling Steph to change, be a burg wife, don't try to fly, marry the cop, don't hang out with badass mercenaries and ex-hos. She needs to know we love her and that we don't want to change her. "

Silence. Loooong silence.

Then Ranger said, "I love her. I don't want her to be changed."

More silence while everyone smiled at him. Ranger narrowed his eyes and did _scary._

Behind Tank, Stephanie's voice sweetly said, "Good to know. "Then, "What's going on?"

Ranger turned and brushed by her. "I gotta go."

But she grabbed his arm and held on. He stopped, looked her in the eye and said, "Eavesdropping, babe?"

"Surely you knew I was here, Ranger."

"No. I didn't."

"Uh huh."

Ranger said, "And I meant everything I said, Miss Nosy."

Stephanie smiled and said,"I love you too."

He echoed her words. "Good to know. But the governor is waiting."

Ranger gave her a fast kiss—hard but sweet_, kinda like the guy himself_, Steph thought. Thank god only a little tongue in front of the TV people and the girls and Tank. And Ranger and Tank breezed through the door that Stephanie held open. She watched Ranger get into the Cayenne and Tank sped off. Stephanie turned to the room and asked,

"Sooooo. What's going on?"

The TV people stopped fanning themselves and stepped forward.

"Hi! I'm Stacy!"

"And I'm Clinton!"

"And we're from What Not to Wear!"

The camera was on and filming. Stephanie looked befuddled for a minute and then said, "But Ranger always looks so good, he looks hot in everything! And you're lucky he didn't shoot you."

"No! No! Well, no, yeah, that guy would look hot in a black garbage bag! But..."

Stacy intervened. "We have been secretly filming _you—_with your girlfriends' help!—and we have a Bank of America card for you for $5000! To buy a new wardrobe and be made over!"

The guy, Stewart? Stanley? no—Clinton! said, "Maybe get your hair straightened!"

Stephanie looked over at Lula and Connie and said, "You guys are so dead!"

"Do it! Do it! Do it!" Even Vinnie and the low-life skip in handcuffs were chanting: "Do it! Do it."

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**_The 360* Mirror_**

**Stephanie is standing** in front of the dreaded 360* mirror in a TV studio in Manhattan. The make-over contestant? client? mark? stooge? victim! —must describe and defend their wardrobe choices. Stephanie is nervous but actually looks adorable. In a paramilitary bimbo sort of way.

Stephanie says, "Okay, here I am in my Rangeman uniform. My friends call me Rangeman Barbie when I wear it for my job at, uh—. My boss is ex-military—well maybe not ex, he doesn't say because we don't Need To Know, you know how that is, right?"

She mimes zipping her lip.

"But the military thing and he insists on uniforms. He says sometimes it's the only way you can tell the tangoes from the friendlies…..Did I say he is ex-military? Well anyways. So I am wearing black SWAT-style cargoes that are especially cut for me because I'm the only female in the company. And a tight but not _really_ low cut V-neck tee. Black, cotton with10% lyrca. It is not as tight and painted-on as the ones the guys wear, I guess you can figure out why. But it _is _cut off really short. My boss says that's so it doesn't catch on my gun belt. And yeah, here's my utility belt—SigSauer 9mm semiauto hand gun, stun gun, pepper spray, cuffs. Black socks and black boots. Black undies. Note how everything has _Rangeman _embroidered on it. Ooops. Maybe I wasn't supposed to say the name…."

**_The end_**

**_Thank you for reviewing. _**_It's okay if you hate WNTW, but you know, don't dwell. I love it even after all these years.(OMG aren't the clothes they choose just ghastly! And sometimes the hair! LOL, lol. Reeeally.)_


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